So this is what it feels like...

This is what a divorce must feel like, it drags and when you think the water has calmed down, some new drama arouses something new to fight about.

I was watching “Under the Tuscan Sun” the other day and I couldn’t help relating to the main character. Not in the way that she suddenly founds out that her beloved husband didn’t love her anymore and out of the blue she had to move out of their house and start a new life when she though she was perfectly happy; I relate to the after part. Our relationship deteriorated with time, and it became impossible for the both of us to survive the way things were going. None of us got in it thinking that we would fail, I though that was the one that would stick, you know, forever. I gave everything I had in me to make it work, and it didn’t.

Now it’s been more than a year since we separated, I moved out, and we kind of went our ways. At the beginning it was very hard to deal with the fact and we kept seeing each other. We got into an undefined relationship that was neither here nor there and finally ended up hurting us even more. The separation has taken a toll on the both us I guess, somewhat ugly things about each other have been unveiled, and the person I though loved me the most besides my mother and sisters all of the sudden seems so strangely unfamiliar, doing things almost purposely to hurt me yet claiming still all of this love for me. It just makes no sense what so ever all of the mixed feelings your get, you just don’t understand how we are the same two people that laid eyes on each other one day and said “I love you”.

In the movie the best friend of the main character tells her “I am afraid you might be in danger of never recovering”… I feel as though I might be in danger as well, and that scares me. I could not peel myself from bed all day yesterday, I felt as though my whole body weigh a ton, so heavy with sadness, and the realization once again that we had screwed this one so badly, that I am alone in a foreign country, that I can not go back to my country crying like a little girl to my mother’s arms and with so little to show for the time I’ve been here. I though this might just be how a divorce feels like… One more fight with this person and I my heart will not be able to heal ever.

Also in the movie, the main character finds herself buying a villa in Tuscany, “standing at a crossroad” and making a decision of starting a new life there. Granted I don’t have the money to buy anything close to a hole in the wall anywhere! But silly little dreamer in me hopes that my upcoming trip to Europe brings me a new opportunity. Part of me kind of wants to start fresh somewhere else, maybe get a job in a foreign country, face another language barrier, and become part of a new culture… I guess it is time for me to make a life changing decision, any suggestions?